The Department of Lists Presents: Shit Cincinnati Needs to Get the Fuck Over

[Amber Waves]

THE DEPARTMENT OF LISTS PRESENTS: SHIT CINCINNATI NEEDS TO GET THE FUCK OVER

Food Shit
• Frisch’s. Shitty sandwiches. Who the fuck puts tartar sauce on a burger?
• Graeter’s Black Raspberry Chip. Good, but not orgasm-inducing good, like everyone says.
• Goetta. Oatmeal and sausage mixed together and fried? Just fucking gross.
• Applebee’s. It’s the Wal-Mart of casual dining. You’re not at a bistro; you’re at a glorified Arby’s.
• Yellow Tail Wine. This is as about as wine-like as a Zima.

Fashion Shit
• Chicken butt haircuts with two-tone hair. Jeez, what’s it been, 8 years since this came out?
• Goatees. Yeah, yeah. We get it. You’re a heterosexual male from Cincinnati. Yawn.
• Capri pants. You either want to wear shorts or you don’t. Plus, your calves aren’t that nice.
• Brown unisex sandals with the thick soles. Especially combined with a fanny pack.
• Hipster beards. Come on guys. Enough is enough. Mix it up and try a handlebar moustache.
• Baseball caps on everyone. You don’t look casual; you look like you stopped caring years ago. And as for the girls? No; it doesn’t make you look sassy & cute. It makes you look like you didn’t wash your hair and are trying to hide it.

Music Shit
• Jimmy Buffet. Stop dressing like a retarded Hawaiian clown, getting drunk on Mich Ultra, and pretending you know the words to “Cheeseburger in Paradise”.
• Party in the Park. MTV’s Spring Break Whore Fest disguised as a frat boy convention.
• WEBN. Hasn’t been musically relevant since 1982. A frog? Your mascot is a frog!?
• 400 goddam pop country music stations. And we can’t even get a decent alt station to last more than a few months?

Cultural Shit
• East Side vs. West Side. It’s like making a distinction between Miracle Whip and Mayonnaise.
• The Taste of Anything. No matter what we’re supposed to be “tasting,” these festivals smell like feet, burnt pizza, and carnies.
• Kings Island and/or Coney Island. These aren’t islands. They’re Carnivals of the Damned with overpriced trinkets made by underage Taiwanese children.
• WEBN Fireworks. “Can I have your attention? Can I have your attention? Will the drunk, fat jackass on the Kentucky side of the river please come down to the front? We’ve found your mullet.”
• Saying, “Please?” when you want the person you’re talking with to repeat something. “Please? Please what? Please punch you in the stomach? Why certainly!”
• Purple People Bridge. Just burn the goddamn thing down. No one has ever cared enough to go.
• Where you went to high school. No one gives a fuck. Was the high point of your life in 1982? Grow up.

Home & Garden Shit
• McMansions. How does anyone know where they live? They all look alike. By the way, how you like those property values now? Thanks President Bush!
• The IKEA Store. It’s just a store, people. Besides, I bet you can’t even pronounce any of the names of the products.
• Macy’s. “Hi. I shop where everyone else shops, because I have no imagination. Sigh.”
• Obsession with mulch. Jeez, are you afraid someone might see your soil?

Do you have any comments on this list? Please feel free to write me at [e-mail] I would love to hear from you, but only if it’s flattering, you agree with me, and want to tell me how awesome I am.

[George Marshall Jenkins IV]

i mean.....really....how does one get over goetta. as a native louisvillian.....i fell in love with it...and all my friends from louisville have since fell in love with it....its almost as good as bacon. west side seems to me like people actually from cincinnati..and east side is people who moved to cincinnati. because really who wants to live on the west side :)

[ღ Vega]

Yellow Tail Wine, gives me all kinds of side effects I care NOT to list here LOL yuck! Awesome blog!

[Deven Haigis]

being a kentucky girl, born and raised, i never really understood the east side/west side loathing. it's like when people in cincinnati make fun of northern kentucky...it's all one place with a river in the middle! the only difference is that most ohio schools have better funding than kentucky schools (which, i believe is why kentucky is now the home of 'unbridled spirit' rather than 'where education pays'.

about "ya'll". this saves me all the time at work when a group of androgynous folks come into my store. instead of saying, "how are you guys doing?" and pissing off a bunch of women, i can use ya'll as a blanket term. (it also tends to charm out-of-towners into thinking they're in the south, and gets me out of trouble for making inappropriate comments, because they believe i don't know any better.)

i'll have to agree with you on "please". but i'm a dick. and i'll ask someone, "please, what?" please is only okay if used in conjunction with a full-sentence request. otherwise, they can shove it...pretty please, with cherries on top...

[Pixe]

I cant really get into the "eastside vs westside" / "where you went to high school" debate either strictly because I live out in the boonies that I would consider out of the territory. The high school debate was mainly just a huge rivalry between my school and another that had apparently went on for ages. Alot of times when I mention where I grew up I have to explain where it is.

[Ignatz]

I went to high school in Texas and grew up military, so I don't have a dog in this fight... I show allegiance to no one!

I tell you what, there you go! ;-)

[Amber Waves]

I went to high school in Texas and grew up military, so I don't have a dog in this fight... I show allegiance to no one!

I don't care about the East Side vs. West Side either. When one lives in Kentucky, one hasn't the need to engage in such Yankee pursuits.

I like this, though: The difference between East and West is: East = big, empty house that's mortgaged to the hilt. West = small house, jammed full of stuff and paid for.

This is pretty much the dichotomy of all middle-class America, when you think about it. ;)

[Ignatz]

"All y'all" would drive you batty as much as "youse" makes me homicidal.
I can't get into the East -vs- West thing - I was born on the east side; raised on the north side; currently live 60 feet into the west side. The difference between East and West is: East = big, empty house that's mortgaged to the hilt. West = small house, jammed full of stuff and paid for.
I never got into the high school thing. Maybe because whenever I mention having graduated from one of the three schools that actually matter (St. X, Ursuline or Walnut Hills), people become intimidated and clam up about their inferior education. heh heh

[Amber Waves]

Thanks for all the comments! Ignatz: yes I probably would say the same thing about "y'all" - and the "youse" thing bugs me too; however I will offer that that all of it sounds better than "huh?" - that is probably at the top of my list when it comes to speaking and grammar... And seriously Pixe... you don't have to explain your capri-wearing... it's not a matter of what I think is fashionable or unfashionable - it's a matter of the lack of individual expression (you and Niki do rock the capris with style and funk ) Furthermore, I can't believe no one has jumped on the "East Side vs. West Side" and "Where You Went to High School" debates?

OK, let's all hug.

[Erik]

• WEBN Fireworks. “Can I have your attention? Can I have your attention? Will the drunk, fat jackass on the Kentucky side of the river please come down to the front? We’ve found your mullet.”

YES. I used to have to patrol down there when i worked for the county. iv'e never seen a more impressive collection of mullets and vintage judas priest t-shirts in my life.

• Saying, “Please?” when you want the person you’re talking with to repeat something. “Please? Please what? Please punch you in the stomach? Why certainly!”

OH HELL YES! this annoys the shit out of me. to be honest, i can't even tell you why. it juust damn does.

[Ignatz]

Excellent take on Cincinnati, Amber.
One question - if you lived in the south, would you pick on people for saying "y'all"?
You have to admit "please?" sounds infinitely more intelligent and definitely more genteel than "huh?", yes?
That being said, don't get me started on "Youse". Let's just say that I keep a garrote handy.